Use 'I' Statements When Discussing Difficult Behaviors

Ever tried to tell your kid to stop doing something dangerous, only to have them morph into a tiny defense attorney? Yeah, me too. Enter the magical 'I statement'—for when you want to stay calm, sound like you read a parenting book once, and avoid a full-on living room meltdown. If you want less blame-game and more actual conversation, this one’s for you. Bonus: it also works on grown-ups (sometimes).

Using ‘I’ statements helps kids feel less attacked and more understood, which lowers their defensive shields (and yours). It models emotional intelligence and self-regulation, boosting their empathy circuits and teaching them that feelings aren’t the enemy. Bonus: your own stress hormones take a breather.

How to do it

  • Take a deep breath (or three) before you speak. This helps you center yourself and approach the conversation calmly.

  • Start with “I feel…” and name your emotion. For example, you might say, “I feel worried,” “I feel frustrated,” or “I feel confused.” Clearly stating your feelings helps your child understand your perspective.

  • Describe the specific behavior, not your child’s character. Focus on what they did, such as, “when you jump on the couch,” rather than making it about who they are.

  • Explain why it matters. Let your child know the reason behind your feelings and requests, which helps them see the bigger picture.

  • Stay calm, even if your insides are screaming. Maintaining a steady tone and demeanor sets a positive example and keeps the conversation productive.

  • Repeat as needed, especially when your child is practicing to be a future Olympic negotiator. Consistency and patience are key when teaching and reinforcing boundaries.

Key Tips:

  • Pause and breathe before responding.
  • Use “I feel…” statements to express emotions.
  • Focus on behaviors, not personal traits.
  • Give clear reasons for your concerns.
  • Model calmness, even under stress.
  • Be patient and consistent—repetition is normal and necessary.

When you notice your child doing something that makes your blood pressure rise.

Pause and say out loud, 'I feel...,' even if you don’t finish the sentence.
Give yourself a mental high-five or whisper, 'nailed it,' under your breath.
Write a sticky note with 'I feel ___ when ___' and put it on the fridge.

When you catch yourself about to say 'You always...'

Switch to starting your sentence with 'I feel...'
Smile at your reflection or do a tiny celebratory dance move.
Practice 'I' statements in the mirror once, just to get the weirdness out.

After your child does something unexpected (again).

Say, 'I feel...' and take one deep breath.
Give yourself permission to skip one chore tonight as a reward.
Tell your partner or co-parent you’re trying this new thing, so they can cheer you on.